reflexions about “in ur face”

I am doing my laundry tonight and sometimes, it helps to think. I needed that i had to explain why i am a bitter b**** tonight.

For the Iphone video, it is more because my friend put the finger on something sensitive. I pretty hate this kind of people (the one who wants to buy an iphone 4 in the video) and the only difference between the both of us was that i did not wanted to buy any accessory to it. I am feeling lame because i felt for some “status” thing and i never thought i would fall so low. I mean, what use would i have of it since i almost never use my regular cellphone? So this friend was pretty right to laugh at me, i am for this a pretty ridiculous people.

For the thing at work and getting critic, i am also dissapointed of myself. I mean, i come from a culture and an education where you always directly get feed back, often negative ones and you react immediatly. For exampel, i can name, for those who know what it is (for those who don’t click in the link), the “classes preparatoires” which are constantly kicking your ass every day and how many liters tears you can think i cried. And i am not a special sensitive one, i tell you. But at least, you had to know what you were worth. Often not much, but i reacted pretty offensive because i wanted to survive and somehow to proove that it was all exagerated bullshit. I would never ever do these 2 years again but after some time, i had to admit that it helped me a lot to build the people i am. Paradoxally, it helped me to handle negative critic and turn it into a positive thing. Like nothing is for granted, you always have to proove what you’re here for or just jerk the f*** off.

This was like that in my first “real” jobb too. (real= the first one i had after i completed my studium). My boss was a perfect devil to kick my ass before i had the time to open my mouth and justify anything. It worked pretty well, i was a cheap but efficient working power there.

And then, i got this job in Sweden, where the company thank you just because you came to work today. Just by being there it feels like it’s enough. I was really green when i began there and could barely speak/write swedish. It was really good for me to have these cool first years in order to come in with the langage and to understand a little how it works here. I thought i found kind of a balance: if you want to give all what you can, you may do it, and you may also get some positive feed back if you ask people thousand times what they think of your work or things you did. The negative things, you never hear them. At least not me. I can’t pretend i made everything perfectly, far away from that, but i can count on the fingers from my right hand the times i got negative critic. For real also.

This episod today with this report was hurting me because of 3 reasons:

  1. it was about something i am kind of sensitive, that i try to make better everyday but since i get no feed back, i tought i was being good at it
  2. i had to read it in a written report while the people had millions chances to tell it to me right into my face
  3. it came 486645 light years after the battle, so no chance to me to make it better somehow.

Life is about to see and be seen i wrote someday. And it hurts me not to be seen at least at work where i have a forced central position. If no one sees me there, after all these hours spent there, and gives feed back which would make me progress, who will do it?

Pretty selfish post again, but i felt like i had to express a little more the things that happened today than just
in the previous irritated post.