I went out from work pretty early today and the sun was shining. These past days have been kind of a taste of spring here in Sweden and I came back home, change my clothes, grabbed my camera and went outside for a walk in the nature. This was sunny, seemed warm but it was a bit cold and wet on the ground. The snow has melt down pretty much everywhere now and this gave a feeling of reborn. Somehow, this winter that was all grey and a little white is soon over. At least I wish.
I had no music or podcast with me, and it was good. I offered myself an hour of meditation and calm. This was also a good way to rethink of a discussion I had today with a colleague at work. We were talking about the feeling to be needed. She felt liek she really needs to know or at least to feel that she is needed on earth. It may be at work, at home, in her hobby relationships or with her kids. She constantly needs to feel that she helped someone or that someone needed her. Spontaneously, when she asked me what I thought of that, I said that no, I don’t think anyone needs me. If I would dissapear tomorrow, for sure, some people may be sad, but everyone could continue their lifes as if I was here. I am not usefull to anyone. She looked at me and said “What are you on earth for if not to be needed by someone? What do you do of your relationship with your boyfriend for example?”.
This was a pretty strange reflection I thought. My boyfriend was on earth 4 years before I was born and he was an independant adult when I met him, so no, I don’t think he needs me to survive. He can take care of himself, and that with our loan for our flat, there are insurances for that. So, no, my boyfriend doesn’t need me in that way. And to base a relationship on the fact that he would need me? What for a strange idea! I prefer think that our relationship is based on doing things together instead of doing things for each others. I don’t want to make my boyfriend dependant of any thing by me, I want him to stick to me just because he likes it, not because I have skills that he hasn’t and cannot live without.
I never feel that I am needed. This may be different when you have kids, but so far, I have no one. If I’m not needed, I don’t have to respond to some conditions, I don’t have to be good enough for someone else. I just have to be good enough to me. This makes that I am never afraid of making someone dissapointed. This doesn’t need that I don’t care, but I treat my people with respect and don’t expect big things from others either. Just come as you are and you’re welcome.
I thought of that a lot when I walked tonight and had the thought that it may be a very egoistic way of thinking. I am not sure though. I help people around when I can but I never expect exact the same people to help me back. I think that there is one universal rule: when you die, the sum of what you gave and what you got is zero. So someone will help me in another occasion, when I will need it.