I am wondering. Oh, big time!

Everything began when I came back home from work tonight. I disturbed all my colleagues with coughing and our new room (we are 6 people sitting in here) is freezing cold. I was totally Miss Icecube after the day. Big problems = Big solutions! Mine was to take a bath.

 

When I was plouf-ploufing in my bath, I had nothing to listen to, just my own breath, heartbeat and the noice of my claps in the water. I wondered: when was it the last time I had such a silent moment for myself? I actually live a life full of noice pollution and I am responsible of it. Of course. (This is my theory of You-always-have-a-choice-in-life-either-you-change-it-or-you-accept-it ). Anyway. I woke up with the horrible sound of the alarm clock. I put the radio on and listen to the swedish news (intellectual ones, but noice anyway), I eat breakfast with some stupid radio programs when I am in a hurry, or with a CD if I take some time for myself, I brush my teeth with the mechanical noice of the toothbrush, I put my headphones on the ears and walk to work with some french news directly input in my brain. I arrive at work and hear and talk to colleagues. Since we are many in the room, I put again my headphones on and listen to some random radio, just something that is enough loud to cover the talks of the others on their phones. Then, I walk home and then, I feel lonely. I feel lonely as quick as I am in our appartment without any noice.

This was what happened tonight in the bath. And I pushed the reflexion a step farther: When was it the last time I listened to some music I really like, with purpose? Answer: Ages ago.

Back in the 90’s, when I was a teenager, I received Remaster I and II by my father as a bday gift (and some other CD, but I don’t remember which one, sign that the 2 firsts named killed the emotions for the others for a long time.). At this time, in the 90’s in the middle of nowhere in France, I was closer to life as a hippie than to the internet. I had no cell phone (who had?) and I spent most of my time smelling horse shit and have clay on my clothes. And horse shit. To me, it was the paradise. A typical day was going up early, take care of the dog and the horse, take a shower, then my breakfast, walk some kilometer to the buss, wait for it, sit in it for almost an hour and then school the whole day. After school, I had the reverse trip in buss back home, a quick kiss to my horse, half liter of warm chocolate and after some changing of clothes, I spent the evening riding and taking care of horse shits. It was lovely. I always felt so calm after that, when I took my shower. I had spent time wiht my best friend, told her my secret stories about boys I would never get and about the things we would try to achieve together. And then, hop, bed and I HAD TO listen to both remaster I and remaster II every single night. I just had to. If I was not making it, I was sleeping bad.

The difference with today was it was the only moment during the day when I was listening to something. Something I liked very much, without understanding why actually. I think I like the multiple of sounds that are happening in every song. Almost every night, I felt asleep during this song:

This is to my ears a song that conditioned my dreams during a long time: sounds of beach, coolness and happiness somehow. Of course, I translated every single text I found from Led Zep (which made my english education) and let me remember that it was not easy at this time, without google, to find some. They had the bad taste to have no text in the vinyl records, so I had to plan trips to the library in the closest city and pray for the lyrics book to be in. Which was not a security, I think we were more than one trying to escape in thoughts with the help of poetry and songs. Anyway.

This song, D’yer Maker was pretty interesting to me: very easy, no need to find the lyrics and I was able to understand it. The most curious was actually the titel, but I did not care, the most important was “oh baby, I still love you so”. There were in these words some a hidden wish of me, average teenager at this time: to be left by a boyfriend. You may think it was an horrible wish, but it would at least have been the proof that I’ve had a boyfriend, once! I was successfull at school, at riding, with my friends, but it was catastrofical with the guys. On the outside, I did not care too much (or tried not to show it) but I spent maybe hundred of lonely evenings in my bed, wondering if one day, I would meet some boy who would see something in me. I understood though that it was not so much to make about it and decided to live life as I wanted to and I made it. When I was 15, I saw myself around 30, being an independant and strong woman, but I was not able to see a guy by my side.

With the years, I experienced pretty much the part being left by a boyfriend. Almost hundred of times. Once in 2003, I saw this very handsome and cool guy. Whatever what happened then, it was the first (and only) time of my life I ever felt that this guy had something, something really worth to discover. Very strange since I maybe was 30 meters away from him and couldn’t hear him, or talk to him at this right moment. Rich of my experiences of being left, I just thought it wouldn’t lead anywhere, I was nor handsome  or cool enough. I just kept this magical thought for myself and had fun with the other parts of my life. Some months later, this handsome and cool guy looked at me and… Oh well, I was living my whole Led Zeppelin dream.

And then, ups and downs like all the time, years have gone and one down that actually appeared to be an up to me: the flat tire event. I met this handsome and cool guy again and you know the rest – well not all but enough to understand my gratitude: Thank you M! Thank you to see me, to be kind to me and to be with me, just the way you are. I am almost a 32 years old woman and I am very happy that you crossed my vision of being an independant and solo woman. I grow stronger with every day in your company.

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

Kind (wo)man, I give you my all, Kind (wo)man, nothing more.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,
together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look… see.

And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness….I’m glad.
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

This post was pretty intimate, sorry for that. Some other day, I will tell you the story of why I like this song:

 

Oh and if you wanted to have the answer to the question in the titel: music can enpower your every day life. Music makes you travel in your dreams, but choose it carefully: you earn to make beautiful dreams!