… or not.

This is actually this second part i got in the face today. Oh, this was not a big surprise, i felt the things coming but i hate feeling myself scammed. Most of all: scammed by my own self. I am pretty sure that if a friend of mine would have been in my situation, i would just have told her “get out” from the beginning but i decided to be stubborn and go for it, because life is just about to take risks.

I believe that you have to burn your wings sometimes to learn to fly. To me, this is important to try things for which you don’t really know where it will lead you. And i think so for the work, for new food, new drinks, new music and even for new relationship with people. To live without taking risks is secure but boring to me.

Now, when it doens’t become what i expected, i need to blame someone, or something. This is so much easy to blame the other person when it goes on relationship but this time, i really have to admit that it was not the right time, not the right place and above all, i was not the right person. Blame on me. Me and my selfish view of the life: “see me  …  and no one else !!”

The more the time goes, the more i experienced this kind of things and the more i think that i really need to have something other in mind than the usual “we-get-a-familly-with-2-kids-a-dog-a-car-and-a-house” concept because it will only lead me to some desesperated future.

With all the churches that there is in Linköping, maybe i could find a nice monastery and look after god. Well, today, at this point of dissapointment i am sitting, this seems more realistic than to fullfill my lifedream. There is always something specially hurtfull when a third part comes in the picture. For this case, no blame on her at all. This will just give a little awkward start to my new life in Linköping.

And as someone told me: it could also open me some new doors. But who gives a s*** to new doors when you know you missed the access to what you wished?

I will let Markus confort me with “llat gör mindre ont sen” and tomorrow, off to Stockholm, the first day of the beginning of my life.

Allt gör mindre ont sen

Inget är värre än första gången 
Tror du på det där själv 
att hjärtat lär sig av erfarenheter? 
Du läste om mig i tidningen 
då ville du vrida tillbaks tiden 
Du fick kaffet och bekräftelsen 
Försvann igen. 

Du är som ett gammalt skämt. 
Du tappa nåt! 
Vaddå? 
Farten. 
När du kom tillbaks igen. 
Med käppar och grus, 
i hjul och maskiner. 
Yeah. 

Vet du vad det är som går och går, 
lika säkert som hjärtat slår? 
Vet du vad det är som går och går, 
döljer och läker alla sår? 
Tiden talar inte för nån’, 
tiden bryr sig inte om nån’. 
Den är olidlig och tyst, 
stöddig, tiden vet att den vinner till sist.