Feelings are a mess. At least for me right now, because i have some extremes inside me at the moment. In one situation i can feel extremly happy and 5 minutes later, think of something other and be terribly sad. I was to another after work tonight with some cool colleagues and we talked 5 seconds about the 30 years crisis. This is maybe what i am going through right now, well, 8 months too early. I hate becoming old and not reaching my dreams. I hate that more than ever because i exactly know how and with who it could happen but it won’t. Ever.
To be happy, i mean happy for real, so happy that you cry, happened some times, but so few that i can count them on the fingers of one hand. One of them was when i went through the goal i Malmö after having run 21 km in a raw for the first time in my life. One another time it was because of someone.
To be sad, i mean sad for real, so sad that you cry, happened some times too. A little much more than to be really happy to be honest but it is so much more easier to have pity for yourself. When things go wrong, it is so much easier to come to the conclusion that you are a victim and the whole world is against you. Or a person. I have been really sad when i realized that i lost someone. Either because the person died or because our relationship did.
To have been sad and happy about the same person is paradoxal, but so is life. The things you love the most are the one the most precious to you, so when you loose them, you are the saddest on the earth, even if you knew that everything good has an end. If i am sad sometimes nowadays, it’s not because i lost someone. You cannot loose something you never had. But what i had was a vision, a dream and this is flying away. I don’t want to talk about it, i don’t want to think about it, i just want to fall asleep and woke up as if nothing happened. This is irritating what goes to waste just because not anyone see the same potential in happenings than you. I just want to erase this dream and just keep the moment i was so happy in mind. But not to close from my heart, just far enough not to think of it before to tell it to my grand kids, that sometime, one person was very important, this person is no one they will ever know, and i was the only one on the earth to believe in this dream. That’s why i don’t want to talk about it, i know 25447465 friends of mine who will maybe be quiet but think “what did i tell you”. And i really don’t want to hear that. Why? Because i followed my heart and i felt things that made me feel alive. That’s enough for me to think that it was worth it. Minus the feeling to be not good enough for this person.
Well, this was a complain. A real one. This will also be my only one about that.