23 days

Z is 23 days old. My brother in law is turning 30 years old today. I feel 34 years old and I can guess that M feels 10000 years old. 

Why do I feel my normal age? Easy peasy! Because I slept from 21:30 to 5:00 last night. And the night before as well. M took the 2 o’clock meals with Z and let me have sooo much hours of sleep in a row. Thank you my dear husband! 

Why do I guess that M is feeling so old? Yeah, same answer than above plus that he works during the week. Oh, don’t missunderstand me: it is kind of a work as well to be at home with a newborn,  but I don’t need to commute in train or to be on time for appointments and so. 

Z must feel that weekends are special. She uses to sleep some hours in the morning but she did not do it today and instead slept some hours, ate a little,  cried, and all this in repeat. She is sleeping right now, and I hope she will sleep a good hour more and then wake up hungry. It’s not easy to find rutines…

For now, a review from a Swedish book. Because yeah, I’ve been reading a book (almost done!). Det är inte du, det är dom. From the authors of the blog hormon och hemorrojder. A big thank you H for this gift, this was one of the best consolation I could get during these first difficult weeks with our newborn. Away the picture of a pink babylife,  with love and romantic everywhere. The descriptions were so much closer to our reality than what everyone described (for example “cosy to breastfeed” meaning for me cosy to go around all day half naked with a hungry baby and bleeding breasts , “enjoy the baby time” meaning for me enjoy not being enough for your kid, “sleep as soon as your baby sleeps” meaning for me no eating, no shower or no poop). I understand that other parents don’t want to scare new ones with the real reality, but personally,  I would have liked being a little prepared for these chocks. Everyone talk about their pregnancy and delivery, even if you don’t want to know, but no one talks about the baby time. I mean, in both situations,  you’ll have to deal with it as a parent, so why making it so taboo? This book would have helped me if I’ve had it before the birth of Z. A reflection though: I think that I understand it better now, when I’ve experienced some part of hell. Well, good book, that I’ll finish right after this post is published! 

Almost… 

When you have a baby sleeping on your chest, and you’re stucked in front of another version of Master chefs and you almost reach the remote control. Almost…

Too high level of preparedness 

When M comes back from work on the evening, we never know whether Z will be awake or not. Yesterday,  she was and a way too curious about her father to sleep, even though she would have needed it. Well, M and I eat together,  tell how the day was and try to enjoy this moment of togetherness. After the dinner, I put my pyjamas on and go to bed to have some hours sleep. M takes care of Z and he is unlucky,  because the evenings are not her best time of the day. He puts her to bed and I manage the next wake ups. 

Z sleeps in her bed which is in her bedroom since one week now and it’s going well for her there. We have a baby alarm, spying on her and reporting to me every noice. And this is where the preparedness is too high: last night, I woke up with noices from her, got up, fixes a bottle of milk for her and gently went to her room to take her but noticed she was perfectly asleep. She was just dreaming loud. Or I’m getting too sensitive for the baby alarm… The first time, she woke up for real 20 minutes after, so she got her meal and went back to bed directly. But the second time (now),  I’ve been up for one hour and she still sleeps. It’s irritating when you know you need this hour of sleep for yourself…

The positive in it is that M and I had a moment of togetherness before he walked to the train. Yeah for it!

Another crazy thing: when I woke upa at night, I almost always imagine that I had her on my chest during the night and that she disappeared without me noticing it.. Scary, because we never slept like that together at night.

Social training

Next week, Z and I will have to make a trip to the french ambassy in Stockholm, so we are this week training for it. Today, it was the day to go out with the baby carrier and see how Z reacts to it. Our goal was to say hello to my work during the lunch pause.

It worked pretty well, both the “travel” there and the time spent at my work place. We saw quite a lot of my colleagues, and Z was very curious at everything. She also got her meal there, feeling pretty integrated for a first visit.

This is funny to see adults meeting a two weeks old baby. Everyone begin to talk with high voice and smile. Z was as usual considering them and thinking hard. She had a very serious expression on her face when she was looking around. Later at home, when I changed the diaper, I had another conclusion, much more basic and correlated to the content of the diaper.

A propos looking and eyes and stuff, I noticed a thing in her left eye. Both of her eyes are “baby blue”, meaning pretty dark blue, as every baby has at the beginning of their life. But in her left eye, there is a trace of brown that I clearly could see when she was in the light, watching at me. Let’s see if it will remain.

We are at home now and I can see how she sleeps on my side. I should sleep too. The night was short. Actually, she sleeps pretty well for a 2 weeks old baby: meal at 22, meal at 3 or 4 and meal at 6 or 7. In between, it’s silent, or small dreaming noices from her. But for me, it means 6+2 – 1  (food time at 22)- 1 (food time at 3 or 4) = 6 hours of sleep, which is for me a way too little. If she would skip the meal in the middle of the night, it would be perfect. When does it happen?

My goal with the blog is not to write only about bebis life, but I hope that you understand that it takes most of my time right now and that it is a big revolution for me, which gives me a lots to think of.

For the record: I began this post at two oclock this afternoon and I am about to finish it now at half past four. In between, I have been feeding, comforting and singing for Z. The social part from today did take on her strengths I think.

 

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The so called “barnvagnspromenader”

First day at home without M. It was busy, strange enough. Busy with a lots of unusual activities for me. Sleep for Z, food for Z, change diapers for Z, sleep for Z, food for me, training for me, shower for me, food for Z and this on repeat. Well, not the training part for me, I’m not that ambitious!

Around noon, it was a sleep time for Z and the sun was shining, so I took myself out for a walk with the stroller (and Z in it of course). I hate to take walk if it’s not to walk to a goal. But since it was not sure the sun would show itself later, I decided it was a good idea. I now enter the category “walkers with vehicle”. To drive a stroller almost requires some kind of driving licence, not for the rules, but for the driving part. I miss blinkers and stop lights. To cohabitate with others walkers and bicycles is not easy for me, I cannot make quick moves (yet) so I would like to inform my co-users of my planned moves with blinkers when I want to turn and stop lights when I have to check if Z is still alive in the stroller. I check about every 10 meters. This is strange how you soooo want her to sleep at some time of the day (like in the middle of the night) but how you want to see her showing big life signs at others (like on a walk in the big world outside).

We made it anyway. It was good both for her and for me to get some sun. And it felt like the spring is on its way. Too soon to believe it though.

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Belly button

First, I’d like to thank all the people wgo wrote me this week after my previous posts. It was comforting to read kind words and I also noticed that I’m not the only one getting through this. I wonder why nobody talks about it, this is not worse than hearing birth stories (mostly when you didn’t ask for it). It seems that there is kind of a pride/shame attached to these experiences the first weeks, I don’t know. Anyway, thank you for your support,  we’re moving into the right direction. 

When I was pregnant,  I wrote once about my belly button,  that it was the first time of my life when I was getting to see the inside of it properly. At the end of the pregnancy,  I almost thought that it would not resist the extension of my belly but it did. Now, two weeks post partum, it looks sad, like the rest of my belly. I still got this hormon line across the stomach. Tomorrow,  big day for the start of the light stomach training for new mums, I hope it will give me back my belly button somehow. I’ll keep you updated! 

Oh, I don’t post any picture of it, looks scary hehe

To be enough 

As a new mother, I discover feelings I never felt before and this is a hard revolution. I am usually a person with a ton of self confidence,  I’m not afraid of much and feel safe in most of the situations. Until now. Our daughter made a little revolution for these aspects. 

She has a period every evening when she cries so loud and so long that I don’t know what to do or where I can hide. After the visit of the nurse at the beginning of the week, we got the advice to give her milk in bottle to make her meals bigger. I was breastfeeding only until this moment. This may have helped since she is crying a little less and even gained weight, this is good. But it gives me such a bad feeling: I’m not good enough for my daughter. I couldn’t even notice that she was hungry.

These first weeks with a newborn are hard. Everyone tell us to enjoy these weeks, that they will dissappear so quickly but honestly,  if time gets me a more happy daughter and more confidence,  I’m looking forward to having a little older daughter. 

One thing I never thought would be possible was for me to have my normal clothes 13 days post partum. Almost as good as Victoria Beckham! I lost all the extra weight I gained during the pregnancy and I can have my normal clothes. The funny thing is that I forgot the clothes I had before, but I’m really happy to let the pregnancy clothes being for a while. I passed these 9 months with two pants,  two dresses and the same 4 pregnancy tee shirt. So, ok, the weight is back but the muscles are week. Next Monday, I’ll begin a training program for new mothers with the goal to be in shape (read normal strong for a mother) when I’ll go back to work in September. 

Sleep

Sleep is the thing I’ve always loved the most. I can’t count the days I woke up and already thought that it would be great to go to bed in the evening. I slept very good during the pregnancy,  except the two last weeks. This was nothing in comparison to how it would be when the baby was born. 

Everyone told me I should sleep a lot before the baby came. Nice advice but you cannot put hours of sleep in a storage for later. Sleep is a fresh product. I’m lucky though because I can fall asleep on demand,  so I manage to sleep when I’m given an hour.  M has more trouble. 

And the little Z? To put her to bed is like playing mikado, you know this game with sticks: you have to take them off the game one by one without any movement from the other sticks. You have the little Z in your arms, you hear her breath be more regular and calm and think: “let’s put her in bed”. You try like a ninja to get up, feel maybe a movement,  stop your move, wait a little (often in a very uncomfortable position)  snd think after a while that you can proceed. You put her in her bed, put the blanket on her and think you made it. Don’t dance for victory yet. When you dance too early,  she will for sure open both eyes,  maybe even cry and make you feel like you are an awful parent eho wants to abandon your child for your own sleep profit. 

The only thing you make when your baby is as young as Z,  you pick her up and try again. At the same time,  you may also cry because you see that it will soon be time for food again. 

I’ve been writing this post with the hope that Z would be ready to go in her bed at the end of the writing. Wish me luck. 

9 days being a mother 

Today, it has been 9 days since our daughter came to the world. These 9 days have been really different from all what I’ve known before. I’ve killed some of my previous ideas about being a parent but others have grown stronger.

Sleep. Sometimes the nights are long (relatively)  and last 5 hours in a row, with a calm falling asleep period. And other times M and I relay each other to calm this half meter of life who is crying without interruption. You never know how it will be, we didn’t break the code yet. People tell us “sleep when you can”. When you are the food machine,  it’s not really easy to take a nap. You have yourself basic needs like shower, eating, pooing that you want to do and seem as important as sleep. The windows to realize them are not many. The days after the sleepless nights are awful.

Body. As a woman, I naively thought my part of pain was over after my daughter was out. Well, no. Breastfeeding hurts. For real. It can be different from woman to woman but for me, it was a hell until I found a thing at the pharmacy. And breastfeeding is boring. You sit each time between 40 minutes and one hour and repeat this every two, two and a half hour. You cannot move. Reading is hard since you cannot hold the book and turn the pages. I watch series on my phone but it goes really quick to watch… But this babygirl needs food. And watching at her eating is sweet.

I’m also really thankful for my body and its strength to go through a birth without having so much trouble afterwards. Without telling in details, to give birth is the strongest I’ve ever done. Well, not me but my body. I didn’t planned the job, I just listened to my body’s instructions. It’s powerful but a little traumatic at the same time.

The days pass by really quick. It’s impossible to plan anything but we don’t need to so far. To meet people is almost too much for now. I use to cry several times a day when I look at her, realize that she is a mix from her fantastic father and me. I wonder how she will be when she grows up, if she will be a kind girl.

Luckily, I’m not alone in this. M is at home one more week from work and takes so good care of her. I’m really thankful he is her father.

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Feelings all over the place 

We are at home. Well, pretty usual you may say. But we this time is: M, me and a little girl who is 46 hours old while I’m writing. 

The whole thing is unrealistic but it is lovely to hear the cute little noices she makes when she’s sleeping.