Wo ist das Meer?

I have been efficient today. At work at 7, I began with a long and useful phone call. Then, I worked like a beast and laughed at the coffee break too. Somehow it was a cosy mood at work and I enjoid the company of my coworkers. I also got a SMS that the daughter of friends of my parents, that is one year older than me got a baby today. Very happy for them, happy too that everything went well. I never was a big big fan of babies when I was younger but I can feel now that it would be great to have some descendant. I am still undecided about what for people want babies but somehow, it would be great to feel a life growing inside of me. Thinking of the geographical situation between M and me, this is not on the agenda. No idea to make a baby alone, at least during the weeks.

So even if the SMS this morning was to tell something happy, it put me in a mini depression because my turn is not about to come as it seems. And I am not getting younger so the more we wait, the less it may be and the more I will have to live with others disappointments. I exactly know what I feel for M and he is a perfect daddy material to me but it is more important to me to have a goo relationship with him than getting pregnant now. This will go, I fear it, through years of week ends commuting and maybe at the end, a move together. This is actually very personal and I would better talk to him but don’t worry, it has been the subject of a big numbers of discussions between us. We are different in acting and reacting and my love for him has to go hand in had with a respect for his reflexion times. And it’s all about trusting him. An easy loop may be: oh, but he doesn’t love me as much as i do, because he doesn’t want to move close to me. Yeah, it is an easy
mental loop. But so far, I try not to fall into it. Oh this seems like a confession, actually more like a complaining of not wanting to live up to others expectations. If only I knew myself… But welcome to this unfair world little girl and congrats to C and her man!