Compagny at work this morning

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The song of the day:

Something’s waching over me
There’s someone in my house that i can’t see
I’ve asked her many times to leave
She tells me she’s not evil

In my hours of confidence
When feeling real and worthy of my friends
When i let go of my defence
She’s waiting in a corner

Angel of sadness
Leave me alone
Save me some hours
To try on my own
When the music is over
The silence is on
You know I will be yours alone
So pick me up and carry me on

Life with her is getting hard
It’s like i’m not the driver of my own car
I’m not the holder of my credit car
Oh Jesus, make me sober

Misery comes and lovers go
I lose myself and sometimes i don’t know
She says “i’ve always told you so
but i’ll stay with you forever”

Angel Of Sadness….

Angel of sadness
Angel of grief
Save me some hours
So please can you leave
When the music is over
The silence is on
I’ll be completely on my own
But I’ll work it out
And find me a home

Sorry S.

This will be a boring post, i warn you.

It is sunday evening, i am back to work tomorrow after a week of vacation. Pretty short if you tell me, i got used to longer holidays. But this is as it is and life is about to see the big things in the little ones, right? Even if it was short, i got to live some intense moments, both bad and good ones. The rain falling down and the delicate music give some peace to my mind.

I lived a peaceful meeting at the beginning of the week during which i felt that this is absolutely no problem for me to share an everyday life together, where somehow there is a balance between the two of us, what we know of each other and how we respect each other. The second half of the week was also a cohabitation time but with a person i don’t know really much and i think i was not really prepared to let her that much into my personal environment that much time. This is not because people read on here some of unsignificant moments of my banal life that i know them in return ( i almost never get feed backs on my writtings here) and i think it made things wrong. Even my body told me to get off that with kind of a violent way (first time throwing up in Linköping, yeah!) and i am sorry to write that i felt a relief as i was alone in my flat. S, i know you read here, i tried to be kind but i obviously did not succeed. I apologize to you here now because i can’t come to another way. This was just too much too long too soon.

I don’t want to hurt anyone in my writtings on here but i just feel like this virtual way to communicate, which is a one-way way btw is taking over the real relation i may have with people that i am not hanging around or talking with regularly. I miss the 90’s way of life when we were still meeting each other and calling and talking. This works so much better. I deeply think i need more than 2 parties and 15 mails to be able to open myself to someone. I may be talkative, people who met me once know that but it doesn’t mean that you have the key to my intimate self and i need my own space. I don’t really know (and this is not the first times that i have these doubts) if i will write much more of my life on here, to talk about my thoughts, even if they are bullshits, is not helping this. I am feeling naked -but this is all my fault alone, i am the only one writting on here- when people that i don’t communicate every day with are reading too much things on me. It feels that i am giving the rope for the people to hang me sentimentaly.

I don’t pretend that a lots of people would miss that but maybe there is a point sometimes in playing “hard to get”? I will maybe return to the origins and use this blogg as a place where i can share pictures and maybe link to some music but no share my thoughts. Who cares anyway?

Vacation, the end

My vacations took an end yesterday evening for this time. The day number five began late, around 12 and with a run around the river. Nice. And then a lovely breakfast.

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After that, we took the direction of Horse and Hound and tested again some belgian beers. I am feeling much more better this time, only tired, but when you come home at the same time as the morning news papper, then you had a great time. Thank U for this! :)

Vacation, day 5

Even if the start was difficult,i had a great 4th day of vacation yesterday. My friend S came right from Finland with her black beauty around the lunch and we hd a great day. A lots of things to tell during the afternoon (long time no see) and we took then the train to Norrköping, where it is Industrisemester, free invents in the old industri place in the town.

We first decided to stop in a restaurant and eat some nice dinner. We sat at a table, and ordered some food while the couple sitting close to us complained about the fact that they waited 40 minutes for 2 sallads and did not have them yet. They told us and the personal that we could have their sallads, that they would just leave the place unsatisfied. Ok? 3 minutes after that, we got the sallads. The couple was ahngry but left anyway and i understand them: we had to wait a looot to get our drinks and the same to get the bill.

We came right on time to listen to Veronica Maggio. I like her songs because she often has nice melodies and the texts are simple, often related to something i also lived once or so but i can’t stand her way to speak and dance and move. She acts like a 14 years old girl.The music was good though, i even cried when i felt a little too touched of some song, but i noticed recently too that i can cry easily to concerts, dunno really why.

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A propos teenagers, when my friend S and I were standing in the public, i felt really but really old there. Almost as old as the dinausaurus looking at us,

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Before to leave the place, we quickly saw Markus Krunegård going in a VIProom with the musicians somewhere. It would have been nice if he would have guested the stage for some songs. Maybe taken over the place?

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We took the last train back to Linköping and in the train it felt OK for us to sit in the places for olderly people. When we arrived home, S and I decided to sleep as long we needed, meaning without clock and to go for a run today before the breakfast. I slept in my living room, without curtains and could admire a wonderfull thunderstorm, with lights and all the package around 4 this morning. At 7, a friend of mine called “just to hear how i was doing”. I did not answer, i heard that on the answering machine, but god, who think i will be able to talk at 7 oclock a friday morning when it is my fifth day of vacation? At 10, another friend called, but i was awake, so i replied.

It is almost 12 oclock and S is still sleeping. I am laying on my couch, my laptop on my stomach, eating chocolate and i tell you, this is good.

Oh, S got up!

The song of the day:

ibland gör man rätt, ibland gör man fel, lev med det!

Vacation, day 4

It feels pretty unnecessary to begin the 4th day of my vacation with a hangover. But who would have thought that? It was only a few beers? Ok, they were from Belgien. Meaning 10%.

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The song of the day will be one of the CD i got yesterday. ouhouhou, är det nåt du saknar?

Lovesong

It is summer and even if the sun is not really shining right now, let’s make some room for a lovesong!

Vi sitter i samma bil, vi sitter i samma bil

Tusen år och tusen mil, vi sitter i samma bil. 
Om det här är vad du vill, kan jag åka tusen till 
En silverfärgad bil, vi sitter i samma bil. 

Vi sitter i samma bil, en silvergrå missil 
En bomb i motsatt fil, vi sitter i samma bil. 
om man somnar för en stund, tar det slut på en sekund 
För jag har velat dö med stil, vi sitter i samma bil. 

För vi har varann, för vi har varann 
Det finns dom som säger, jag tror det är sant. 
Det finns ingenting, det finns ingenting vi inte kan, 
För vi har varann.

Jag behöver dig just nu, för mig finns bara du 
För mig finns bara du, jag behöver dig just nu. 
Om man somnar för en stund, tar det slut på en sekund 
En silvergrå missil, vi sitter i samma bil. 

Tusen år och tusen mil, vi kan åka tusen till 

Vacation, day 3

Oh yes, even 8 days of vacation this summer will make it. The day number one was rainy. So rainy that i met a friend on my way to the station:

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Yes, it was raining too much in Liköping, so i took my way south to meet a friend and the sun. Double date like. Me liked. It took the train first and then had to take a bus in Alvesta. When i found my place in the train, i also understood why the ticket was so cheap. It was like renting a cabin with view over the sea, well, from the WC window.

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Alvesta is not a big city and when the bus is delayed, you think a little lonely there, sitting, waiting, wishing. I had no worry though, busy with listening to a documentary and watching people around. Amond them, it was a beautiful girl who must have been 20 years old. Beaufitul face, with nice pale eyes and an enormous ear piercing. How was she thinking when she did it? Well, i don’t understand, even if i have tatoos myself. (same kind of stuff you was not born to and which is permanent then).

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I finally arrived in Ljungby, with the sun and spent a very nice evening with my friend M. Vacation day number 2 was spent with Karl Ove part 2 and the evening was likely pleasant as the previous one. The bonus with people i know since a long time is that i don’t need to be anyone else and myself. This was relaxing after these almost 2 months of trying to fit in a new environment. I like my life so far in Linköping but there is so much new meetings that i am holding myself a little (better be quiet and look stupid than to talk and don’t let any doubt about the fact that you ARE stupid) and somehow, this is oppressing me. With you M, i am really myself and i thank you deeply for the nice hours in your company.

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I said good bye to my friend after a fantastic breakfast this morning and took the bus and then the train to come back to Linköping. Vacation day 3 is not finished yet, after a little nap, i will meet my friend U and drink prolly some belgian beers. Tomorrow a friend arrive for some days, it will be fun fun! Oh yeah, it is all about enjoying every minute of these 8 days!

Vacation, day 1

Hello world.

This is monday, the first dat of my short vacations and it is raining as hell. Like a motivation to do nothing. The week end was calm, i mostly spent it with Karl Ove and the second book is so far as good as the first one. I wrote good but i can guess that a lots of people won’t like it. I like people who tell their story, even if it is a mass of egocentrism and so, Karl Ove explains how he felt in a very good way and this is one of the rare book in swedish that i read until now where i find it poetic, not minimalistic as swedish use to be. To me, Swedish is a practical langage: they took away all the parasit words and just kept the one that made sense. In comparison to french, this seems poor but poor is a wrong word. Swedish tells what it is to tell, not more. No superflu. A lots is also said in silence but it is kind of difficult to write a silence in a book. Anyway. Karl Ove writes with a lots of adjectivs, maybe tells the same things in three different ways, but i like it. Well, the blue book is waiting for me today!

I also decided to pick a cookbook yesterday and to make a recept from it. It was a pie. I had a big thought for the people who gave me this book, so i took my phone and called them while i was cooking. It was charmant discussions and the sweetest of everything: my goddaugther telling my name. She is now almost 19 months and it was the first time i heard her talking. I miss the 5 of this family, it was so cool to share their lives, oh i wish i had time to visit them… Well. The result of the cooking was this:

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The evening was spent with Karl-Ove and another Carl, Bildt this time, who is the swedish foreign minister and he decieved me a little. This guy used to have humor and it was bof bof yesterday in Sommarprat. I woke up after an 11 hours sleep night and the rain was making the BO for the film of today. The long pass i had to run this week end was stil on the to-do-list, no need to tell you how motivated i was.

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I got up, watched a finnish movie. oh my, what for a depress country it seems to be. Good that i know some real finnish people and don’t make conclusion about one film only. The breakfast was eaten and so i thought i really needed to take a run. So on with the cap and out. it was 5,67 painfull kilometers in a slow 26min and 59 seconds. No need to mention that i walked after 4 km and had an average pulse of 192… Not my best day. I can tell you that the 10 kilometers in the wood from the tjurruset seem far far far away…

But for now, shower, little meal and packing for a mini vacation in the south. Me likes!

Karl Ove Knausgård, min kamp part 1

I finally finished to read the first of 6 volumes of the autobiographie from Karl Over Knausgård. This was not an easy reading but i found it beautifully written. Karl Ove goes from his chilhood, teanager time in Norway, with the first flirts and love and tells about his relation with his father in the second half. The dad is dead and a lots of emotions come up to Karl Ove.

 Tystnad.

– Ja, ja. Jag måste nog hem nu, tror jag. Tack för ivkäll då! ja jag.

– Ses i morgon, sa hon. Ha det bra!

Jag vände mig om efter henne, för att se ifall hon vände sig om, men det gjorde hon inte.

  Jag älskade henne. Det var ingenting mellan oss, hon ville inte vara ihop med mig, men jag älskade henne. Jag tänkte inte på nåt annat. Till och med när jag spelade fotboll, den enda zon där jag var fullständigt förskonad från tankar, där allt handlade om att vara närvarande med kroppen, till och med där trängde hon sig in. Nu skulle Hanne varit här och sett mig, tänkte jag, det skulle ha gjort henne förvånad. Varje gång något bra hände mig, varje gång jag satte en snabb replik och belönades med skratt, tänkte jag: Det skulle Hanne ha hört. Vår katt mefisto skulle hon ha sett.

Vårt hus, atmosfären i det. Mamma, henne skulle hon ha slagit sig ner och pratat med. Älven utanför, den skulle hon ha sett. Och mina skivor! Dem skulle hon ha lyssnat på, varenda en. Men vår vänskap utvecklades inte åt det hållet, det var inte hon som ville komma in i min värld, det var jag som ville komma in i hennes. Då och då tänkte jag att det aldrig skulle kunna inträffa, då och då tänkte jag att det visst kunde komma en omsvängning som förändrade allt. Hela tiden såg jag henne, inte granskande eller utforskande, det var inte vad det handlade om, nej, en skymt här, en skymt där, det räckte. Hoppet fanns där tll nästa gång jag skulle se henne.

 […]

 Kunde jag få göra det med henne? Kunde jag få henne till det? Kunde jag få någon till det? Nej. För Hanne var och förblev ingen. För mig var hon allt.

 […]

 – Något bra verkar det som? sa mamma och log.

– Ja, sa jag. Jag är kär, kort och gott.

– Så härligt. Är det någon jag vet vem det är?

– Vem skulle det kunna vara som du känner? Nej, det är en i klassen. Just det är kanske lite dumt i och för sig men nu är det så. Det går ju inte direkt att planera.

– Nej, sa hon. Vad heter hon då?

– Hanne, sa jag.

– Hanne, sa hon och såg på mig med ett litet leende. När får jag träffa henne?

– Det är det som är problemet. Vi är inte ihop. Hon är ihop med en annan kille.

– Så det är inte så enkelt.

– Nej.

Hon suckade.

– Nej, det är inte alltid det. Men du ser pigg ut. Du ser glad ut.

– Jag har aldrig varit så glad. Aldrig.

Av någon sinnessjuk anledning fick jag tårar i ögonen när jag sa det. Inte bara så att jag blev blank i ögonen, något som lätt hände rädd vad det var när jag sa något som rörde mig själv, nej, tårarna rann nerför kinderna på mig.

Jag log.

– Det är faktiskt glädjetårar, sa jag. Och så snyftade jag. Till slut rann tårarna så att jag måste vända mig bort. Som tur var kokade vattnet upp då, jag kunde lyfta pannan av spisen och hälla i kaffe, trycka på locket igen dunka den mot platta några gånger, ta fram två koppar. När jag ställde dem på bordet var det bra igen.

Time for me to begin the second part, the blue one.