I listened to the radio today at work. It worked pretty well to keep focus on the things i had to do actually. It had being ages i’ve done that, mostly because the phone is often ringing and stuff.
Anyway, This song from Robyn was playing the whole time it seemed. So much that i had to listen to the lyrics. The words made me sick in a way. “I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her. I’m right over here, why can’t you see me?”. I would hate that, being invisible for the one you love and on that, seing your victim being together with another person. It is like feeling twice that you’re not good enough. The first time because he is not seing you and the second because he is prefering someone else to you. Just to think of my ex being the “he” and me being in the corner makes me sick. Actually, just knowing that i am not good enough for him makes me sick, so i don’t need to watch more.
Actually, theses ideas are fitting pretty well with the dream i made last night. I was at a big party, with alot of people i did not know, it was like a big dinner in couple. I was there with my ex, but we agreed about the fact that we were just making each other compagny in order to go to the dinner. Anyway, i sat closed to a guy that explained me that he saved money during 9 years in rder to get married and able to pay the wedding by himself. My ex was asking if some parents did gave money for the wedding or just him saving. The guy said that, no, they made everything by themselves and they were pretty happy of that because they could decide everything. Then he asked me if my ex and i were getting married. I just told that “we will never getting married” but thinkign “we’re not together anyway, i am not good enough” and he was just thinking we were a free couple who could just live together without engagement. But the idea not being enoug made me run away. So i ran and my ex followed after me, explaining me that he was getting married with another girl, he did not want to, but her parents was paying the wedding. And i was just running away from him, he was following me and i was feeling more and more sick.
When i woke up this morning, i had to focus a long time. I have issues getting over this ex and it was good that i had a busy day at work, it helped. But i also had pain in my legs. Not sure if it was rests from the floorball on monday or running yesterday, but today, i walked like a 80 years old lady. I am not sure it will go well next saturday on the E18, but i will try my best. Maybe i could take it as a real test of “am i able to run away from him for real?”. This is hard to get rid of people you really love and know since such a long time, but who said that:
” On passe une moitié de sa vie à attendre ceux qu’on aimera et l’autre moitié à quitter ceux qu’on aime. ”
Victor Hugo
which means “we spend half a life waiting for people we will love and half a life leaving people that we love”. Well, I am 28. It means that i spent 14 years waiting for my love and 14 years leaving my love. And i know this guy since 7 years and i have been waiting 7 years for him to love me. Would it mean that waiting for someone to love you takes twice more time than living loved? Ah well. I decided to stop waiting. I’ve been strong during 6 days now. Each day is a little victory on my weak me waiting for miracles. Well.
I will eat some more Ritter Sport and go to bed soon. It may be another nice day tomorrow.
Wo ist das Meer? 